Snake Draft: Beverages (Non-Soda) feat. Frank The Tank

To start our week, Frank the Tank joins the Barstool Chicago Boys for a Snake Draft Monday: Beverage (Non-Soda) Edition. 

Frank was sporting a wonderful Faces of Frank tee, available on the Barstool Sports store. 

Snake Draft Order

1. White Sox Dave
2. Frank the Tank
3. Carl
4. Chief
5. Eddie

Round 1 (WDS, Frank, Carl, Chief, Eddie)

Pick: 1.01, Lemon-Lime Gatorade (WSD)

Grade: A-

No known food pairings, per Frank the Tank

This pick didn't tickle my fancy, to be fair. Personally, this isn't even my favorite Gatorade flavor. It doesn't deserve the hate it gets, but there was a great point made in the fact that Michael Jordan looked awesome with the Gatorade sweat beads. Also, it is the original Gatorade flavor, so it being 1.01 isn't a bad pick.

If I were picking, it'd be a lemming pick for me. That said, overall, good pick, just not my top-tier Gatorade. 

Lemon-Lime Gatorade, off the board.

Pick 1.02, Tropical Punch Kool-Aid powder (Frank the Tank)

Grade: B+

Pairs well with a nice outdoor cook-out, per Frank the Tank

Frank the Tank describing the scent of this Kool-Aid was enough to bring tears to the strongest eyes. As if I was cutting an onion, tears of joy rained down my face, as Frank described how he plans on going home tonight to make himself a nice pitcher of it in his 1980s-something give-away Mets pitcher.  

Prior to Frank's deliverance speech, I wasn't too high on the pick. After, though, I was a changed man. Great pick by Frank here, even if I wouldn't have taken it second overall. 

White Sox Dave, shockingly, doesn't love the pick.

Tropical Punch Kool-Aid, off the board. 

Pick 1.03, Arnold Palmer (Carl)

Grade: A++

Pairs well with a nice sandwich, per Frank the Tank

As an Arnold Palmer apologist, I think this drink had 1.01 potential. It's the first drink I think of when my thirst needs quenching. It's a staple of my summers, dating back to when I got my first kiss with Jenny under the swirly tunnel.  

That said, personally, I prefer mine mixed by Arizona itself. I get Carl's point about the homeade variety, but as someone that doesn't often prepare things that taste good in a kitchen, I prefer the bottled/canned by Arnold himself. $0.99 for the big can is an no-brainer. 

Arnold Palmer, off the board. 

Pick 1.04, Icelandic Glacial Water (Chief)

Grade: A (overall), B (brand) (not personally familiar with it)

Doesn't pair well with food; needs more flavor, per Frank the Tank 

I've personally never had this water. Probably too poor/an idiot. That said, I've been on the record as saying ice-cold water is a top two beverage of all time, and it ain't two. For the people that say room-temp water is better, you're actually delusional. Ice-cold water is the ideal temperature for water, plain and simple. It's the luxury option of a primal need. Give me ice water every day of the week, and twice of Sunday.

I made a vow to not roast Frank the Tank on this, and I will remain true to that vow. That said, saying water doesn't pair well with food is tough. I get his point of wanting flavor, but Chief Dikembe'd that argument pretty quickly by reminding the boys of what's brought to you at any sit-down restaurant: water.

Icelandic Glacial Water, off the board. 

Pick 1.05, Fruit Punch Capri Sun (Eddie)

Grade: B-

What pairs well with the Capri Sun? Has to be the PB&J, per Frank the Tank.

I don't know, man. Sure, Capri Suns are fine, but the same argument Eddie was making about water could be made about Capri Sun in this draft. Maybe not to the depths that water could've fallen to, but Capri Sun could be a third-round pick for Eddie potentially. I just don't see any of the guys in this draft going to bat for Capri Sun in the second round. If anything, it could've been a better optic if 2.01 instead of 1.05. 

All that said, Capri Suns are fine. I used to put them down in the day, but the straw is a major red flag. My dumb ass would puncture the back of these on every third pouch. It was my Achilles heel. 

Another dub for Capri Sun was that it had toy potential. Blow that thing up with air and slam your fist on it, easy fifteen seconds of entertainment. Plus, if you're doing that at the lunch table, you're immediately coolest kid at the table. 

Fruit Punch Capri Sun, off the board. 

Round 2 (Eddie, Chief, Carl, Frank, WSD)

Pick 2.01, Peach Tea Snapple (Eddie)

Grade: A+

Pairings for Peach Snapple were not mentioned by Frank the Tank 

This was a great bounce-back pick for Eddie. Capri Suns are what they are, but Peach Snapple can step in and be an immediate impact guy. Among the teas in this draft, Peach Snapple could be one of, if not, the best tea choice. The fact that it teaches a fact each drink, too, makes it an educational piece. One day, a question for The Dozen could come from a Peach Snapple. Great pick, Eddie. 

The glass-plastic transition is tough, but at its peak, Peach Snapple fucked. 

This would also help with the graphic, too.

Pick 2.02, Martinelli's Apple Juice (Chief)

Grade: B+

Pairs well with a day-after, or night-of (maybe around 12:00-midnight) snack of turkey sandwich on Thanksgiving, per Frank the Tank 

The NIL of Chief's picks are going to be the detriment to him here. 

Martinelli's, for those that have had it, know that it's amazing. They know it's an elite apple juice. That said, it's not as common as other drinks out there. The value is where the grade is getting hurt here. Martinelli's, while an incredible apple juice, isn't very well-known. That's going to be the detriment of Chief's draft if it keeps going this way. 

I'm a major apple juice guy, and preference was going to be the separating force here. Martinelli's isn't the household name, but it's a damn good apple juice.

Martinelli's apple juice, off the board. 

Pick 2.03, Oberweis Chocolate Milk (Carl)

Grade: A++

Pairs well with cookies, obviously, per Frank the Tank

Holy shit, this pick earned an audible, "Oh, great pick," from me in real-time. 

Having lived near an Oberweis store in Illinois, Oberweis is the chocolate milk I think of when thinking chocolate milk. It is the absolute A1, No. 1, top-tier chocolate milk, and any Oberweis haters can kiss the bottom of my shoes. If you haven't had Oberweis chocolate milk, get up immediately and find where you can buy it. Sure, it's "just chocolate milk," but if you even sort of care about your mental health, Oberweis chocolate milk is a must-have on days that need a moral pick-me-up. 

The glass bottle with the ribber grip just makes it that much better, too. Unbelievable draft so far, Carl.

White Sox Dave also makes the claim he can drink an entire gallon of Oberweis chocolate milk in a day. 

Oberweis Chocolate Milk, off the board. 

Pick 2.04, Canned Lipton Brisk Lemon Iced Tea (Frank the Tank)

Grade: B-

Pairs well with Fritos, per Frank the Tank himself 

I want no hate from the Frankettes on this one. This is more of a personal vendetta than anything. Whenever I had Lipton lemon iced tea, it was just so average. Even cold, it was always just okay. B- is what I have to do. I have to grade Frank fairly, as I do everyone. This isn't Frank's best pick, especially given his expertise. I'm a little shocked by this one. The one reviving detail is that it's canned. Canned is best in this instance. 

Canned Lipton Brisk Lemon Iced Tea, off the board. 

Pick 2.05, Gallon-Bottle Arizona Iced Tea w/ Lemon (White Sox Dave)

Grade: B

Pairings for Gallon-Bottle Arizona Iced Tea w/ Lemon were not mentioned by Frank the Tank 

In my opinion, this isn't the second-best Arizona product on the market. With Carl already taking the A1 Arizona product in Arnold Palmer, following it up with the lemon iced tea wasn't my favorite move by WSD. I'm with Chief, Arizona if better than Brisk. 

It has name-brand recognition for sure, but I'm just not grabbing that bottle if the Arizona gallons are all besides each other, personally. Not a bad pick, especially with a follow-up right after, but just not my choice. 

 Gallon-Bottle Arizona Iced Tea w/ Lemon, off the board. 

Round 3 (WSD, Frank, Carl, Chief, Eddie)

Pick 3.01, Simply Orange Juice (White Sox Dave)

Grade: B+

Pairs well with breffix: toast, eggs, any breffix, per Frank the Tank

I like this pick more than the pick before, though, I don't love it. That said, orange juice is an absolute star, an icon. People know orange juice. Orange juice is a daily driver to some. It's just not my bag, but I can recognize greatness. I'd probably take apple juice over orange juice, but a good orange juice is a good juice. Can't comment much on Simply Orange, as I haven't had that brand specifically.

I'm a pulp guy, too. #TeamWhiteSoxDave.

Simply Orange Juice, off the board. 

Pick 3.02, Hi-C Ecto Cooler (Frank the Tank)

Grade: A++

Pairings for Hi-C Ecto Cooler were not mentioned by Frank the Tank 

What a GREAT pick by the Tank here. Ecto Cooler is an absolute all-down back of a non-soda beverage. The exclusivity about it makes it even better, similar to another potential future pick, not to name picks, that returns to a sertain fast-food chain every spring. 

Hi-C is a big-time in the 10% juice category, and it's there for a reason. They didn't stumble their way into the top; they're a top-name because they pump out great product. 

Among the artificial sugary juice section, this is one of the absolute top-tier drinks, especially Ecto Cooler. Great pick, Tank.

Hi-C Ecto Cooler, off the board.   

Pick 3.03 Sugar-Free Red Bull (Carl)

Grade: A

Pairs well with a slim jim, perhaps, per Frank the Tank

This was a good Carl pick.

The fact that Red Bull is a necessity almost anytime I go on a somewhat long drive just shows its ability to jump in and do its job. Not many of the previously drafted beverages can do the things Sugar-Free Red Bull can do. Red Bull isn't necesarilly going to treat your body the same as a Kale Shot would, but it being sugar-free is at least a step in the right direction.

Sugar-Free Red Bull, off the board.   

Pick 3.04, Simply Lemonade (Chief)

Grade: A

Pairs well with fish sticks, per Frank the Tank

This is going to help Chief in the graphic, if he makes it. 

Simply Lemonade is a good daily driver lemonade. It hits when it needs to, but it won't blow your socks off. That said, it bats .378 through its career and has mutliple back-to-back 31-home run seasons. 

Sure, they might not be a golden glover, but you can put this lemonade in your roster knowing you'll regret it less than you appreciate it.

Simply Lemonade, off the board. 

Pick 3.05, Pure Leaf Sweet Tea (Eddie)

Grade: A+

Pairings for Pure Leaf Sweet Tea were not mentioned by Frank the Tank 

This is the top-tier bottled convenience store sweet tea out there. Outside regional brands, I don't see a national brand beating Pure Leaf in sweet tea. This is the type of tea you can sit and absolutely yug through. When it's cold, there are few better tastier teas in the world, mark my words.

Pure Leaf Sweet Tea, off the board.  

Round 4 (Eddie, Chief, Carl, Frank, WSD)

Pick 4.01, Dragonfruit Vitamin Water (Eddie)

Grade: B-

Pairings for Dragonfruit Vitamin Water were not mentioned by Frank the Tank

I don't love this pick from Eddie. As a bigger fan of a different Vitamin Water flavor, not to name picks, this one doesn't resonate with me. I've had it very few times, and that's because I just really don't care for it personally. If I'm going Vitamin Water, I'm not going this one.

Dragonfruit Vitamin Water, off the board.

Pick 4.02, Pamplemousse La Croix (Chief)

Grade: C+

Pairings for Pamplemousse La Croix were not mentioned by Frank the Tank

Personally, not a La Croix guy. I won't name picks, but there's a top-tier sparkling water left. 

However, out of La Croix's flavors, the Pamplemousse is one of the better flavors. I don't hate the pick, but it's a decent sparkling water. Not much else to say other than that. La Croix kinda just is what it is.

 Pamplemousse La Croix, off the board. 

Pick: 4.03, Gallon-Jug Hawaiian Punch (Carl)

Grade: B+

Pairs well with a cook-out, similarly to Kool-Aid, per Frank the Tank

In the sugary drink category, this is a staple. Only reason it doesn't make it to the A realm is that I just don't care for it too much. I understand its need for public spotlight, I just don't go out of my way to get myself a Hawaiian Punch. Also, red isn't my favorite flavor, but I understand and respect the choice since it's the OG. 

The gallon-sized jug is also classic with freshman jungle juice back in college, so it's just an icon. 

Gallon-Jug Hawaiian Punch, off the board.

Pick 4.04, Yoo-Hoo (Frank the Tank)

Grade: B+/A-

Pairs well with hot dogs, per Frank the Tank

Hand-up. I've never had a Yoo-Hoo. The fact that it's not milk and that it can sit out at room-temp always freaked me out. I bet it's good, and I know it's popular, so that's why the grade is what it is. 

I'm kinda going into this pick blind. Yoo-Hoo has never passed these lips, however, maybe the might soon now that I know it has the stamp of approval from Frank. 

Yoo-Hoo, off the board.

4.05, Bottled Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino (White Sox Dave)

Grade: A

Pairings for Bottled Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino were not mentioned by Frank the Tank (not a coffee guy)

This is a great coffee pick, given the options available. I won't spoil picks, but there's a canned coffee I like more, personally. This is a good pick htough, it's iconic in that field of beverage. Usually, not a mocha guy, but these are an exception.

Fun fact: apparently if you blend these jawns with ice, it's like a Starbucks frap. Pretty sick. 

Mocha Frappuccino, off the board.

Round 5 (WSD, Frank, Carl, Chief, Eddie)

Pick 5.01, Blue Little Hug Fruit Barrel (White Sox Dave) 

Grade: A++

Pairs well with PB&J or a bologna sandwich, per Frank the Tank

This is an incredible final pick for WSD. These little jugs are full of crack, no doubt. Even if they aren't, they kinda are, type deal. 

Getting these in the fifth round is very solid. These are an incredible graphic beverage. People see these, and they remember simpler times. Sitting back and cracking open the aluminum foil after an evening full of Cops n' Robbers, four-square, and ghost in the graveyard, with Cartoon Network on TV was an all-time feeling as a kid. The blue ones are also obviously the best ones. Who cares if the recipe is water, pounds of sugar, and blue flavoring? They're delicious. 

Blue Little Hug Fruit Barrel, off the board.

Pick 5.02, Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice (Frank the Tank) 

Grade: A-

Pairs well with soup, per Frank the Tank 

Personally, moderately big cranberry juice guy. It's not my favorite juice, but it's a good juice. Plus, part of the grade includes the Ocean Spray commercials with the dudes in the cranberry pond. Great content, great juice, great pick. Ocean Spray is also the goat for juice brand, so that helps a lot for grade. 

Cranberry juice's versatility is great for a fifth-round value. Not much to say other than that. It's not everyone's cup of tea, and for those people, grow up kinda. Not going to lie, I was a bit surprised to hear Tank say this one. 

Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice, off the board. 

Pick 5.03, Original V8 (Carl) 

Grade: F- -

The ONLY pairing for an Original V8 is a hangover, per Frank the Tank

This was a terrorstic attack on Carl's draft board. Personally, I hate hate hate V8. Sure, I made that rhyme, but it still sucks so much.

This was a bad pick in my eyes, and maybe I'm the outlier, but I really don't care for this at ALL. Tomato juice is probably one of the top-tier things I hate most in terms of food/drink. Thankfully, even Carl admitted it was a tough pick. 

Original V8, off the board.

Pick 5.04, Cool Blue Gatorade (Chief) 

Grade: A++

Pairings for Cool Blue Gatorade were not mentioned by Frank the Tank

This is my personal favorite Gatorade. If it were a Gatorade Draft and I had the 1.01 pick, it's going to be Cool Blue. It's the absolute GOAT Gatorade flavor, no debate. 

Insert Vince Carter It's Over GIF. Not necessarily that Chief won, but that's the clear-cut QB1 of Gatorade flavors. The Tom Brady, maybe. 

The fact that it made it to 5.03 is just absolutely unreal. Standing next to the V8 is going to look tough for Carl.

Cool Blue Gatorade, off the board. 

Pick 5.05: Mr. Irrelevant, Mountain Berry Blast Powerade (Eddie) 

Grade: C+

Pairings for Mountain Berry Blast Powerade were not mentioned by Frank the Tank

This is a drink I go to when there's just nothing else. While I wouldn't take a V8 over it, I can name a handful of different drinks I'd take over blue Powerade. I like Eddie, but I don't like this pick at all. That being said, I like that he stayed true to himself. That's an important thing to remember with these drafts.

All-in-all, it's a fine drink, average at best, but it's not a favorite for me. I wouldn't see myself drafting this at all. There was something about the Powerade aftertaste that turned me off forever.

Mountain Berry Blue Powerade, off the board.

Complete Draft Grades

White Sox Dave

1. Lemon-Lime Gatorade
2. Gallon Arizona Iced Tea w/ Lemon
3. Simply Orange Juice
4. Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino
5. Blue Little Hug Fruit Barrel

This is a very, very solid draft. At times, WSD can lose himself in what he loves relating to the category, but this time, he managed to draft a very loveable team. Outside of some brand-preferance, I love this draft board. 

Grade: A

Frank the Tank

1. Tropical Punch Kool-Aid
2. Canned Lipton Brisk Lemon Iced Tea
3. Hi-C Ecto Cooler
4. Yoo-Hoo
5. Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice

While I respect the hell out of Frank and his pallate for beverages, his draft didn't stand-out to me. There were picks that, on their own, aren't amazing. His round two and round four picks threw me off, therefore, his draft was worse than WSD's. 

Grade: B

Carl

1. Arizona Arnold Palmer
2. Oberweis Chocolate Milk
3. Sugar-Free Red Bull
4. Gallon Hawaiian Punch
5. Original V8

Aside from his self-afflicted terrorism to the draft board in round five, Carl had an outstanding draft. That said, the V8 has to be brought up. It was a really bad pick, however, it was the fifth round. If this was a second or third rounder, Carl is getting left off the graphic.  

Grade: A/A-

Chief

1. Icelandic Glacial Water
2. Martinelli's Apple Juice
3. Simply Lemonade
4. Pamplemousse La Croix
5. Cool Blue Gatorade

Water was an overlooked category by the rest of the draft, but I couldn't comment on Icelandic Glacial because I've never had it. You put up a Body Armor 1L Alkaline Water though, and it's a completely different story. That said, water's water even though it's not actually all the same. It is but it isn't. 

Other than that brand preferance, I don't love the pamplemousse. There are better sparkling waters out there: Bubbl'r, specifically. Outside those two picks, it's a strong draft. 

Grade: B+

Eddie

1. Fruit Punch Capri Sun
2. Snapple Peach Tea
3. Pure Leaf Sweet Tea
4. Dragonfruit Vitamin Water
5. Mountain Berry Blast Powerade

Eddie's round two-three, he grabbed the two GOATs of their repsective iced tea industry. Snapple Peach Tea and Pure Leaf Sweet Tea are both first-round talents, and they got drafted in the second and third.

Where Eddie lost me were the last two picks. I don't love either picks, yet I respect the Vitamin Water and Powerade for being their OG flavors. Other than that, it's a strong draft that could do really well on the graphic.

Grade: B+/A-

Predicted Winner: White Sox Dave

For those that have a vendetta against WSD, it'll be a hard pill to swallow, but WSD had a very solid draft. Carl and Eddie give WSD competition, but I see V8 hurting Carl a lot; and I see the Powerade haters hurting Eddie. Overall, WSD did the best job at getting some of the best at their category. 

In terms of value, WSD did the best job, arguably. This is a close one. 

The Draft Board after The Dog Walk's Non-Soda Beverage Snake Draft