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The Ghost of Manhattan: The Hunt for Putin |
On Wednesday, May 4, 2022, PFT Commenter “The Ghost Of Manhattan” attemprts to save the skies from Russian leader, and known softy, Vladimir Putin in "The Hunt for Putin".
Let the hunt begin on the @PardonMyTake twitchhttps://t.co/nZnCv0Pvx5 pic.twitter.com/9bfGU0hDWt
— PFT Commenter (@PFTCommenter) May 5, 2022
The Philadephia 76ers @ Miami Heat was in fact on in the background, since Pardon My Take is a sports podcast. Just wanted to clarify.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I missed what plane The Ghost of Manhattan said he flew, but @The_Controller007 on Twitch hooked it with a reply from the heavens. Thanks, The Controller007.
PFT got into his F-15 and began his hunt for the Russian Skell, Putin.
After a few “Oh shit!”s and at least one “Fuck!”s, The Ghost of Manhattan got his feet–or wings– under him.
“The Ghost is airbourne,” The Ghost muttered to himself.
The Russians knew what The Ghost was coming with, and they immediately jammed his radar, causing The Ghost to not see the missile locked onto him.
0/1 was how The Ghost’s night started.
The Ghost of Manhattan suited up, strapped in, and set the skies.
And actually, he didn’t even suit up because he actually let the zipper of his very cool and not lame bomber jacket down to let the puppies breathe a bit. And by puppies, I mean his tits. No offense.
The Ghost had a shaky start to the second take-off, as there was almost a crash before the plane even took off.
However, in miraculous fashion, The Ghost locked onto his first of Putin's men at the same time they did. The two were locked on, and The Ghost began his shafting and flaring.
Launch authorization was a go.
A Fox 3 tracked one of Putin’s little slimes, but unfortunately that wasn’t enough.
Hydraulics failure.
0/2.
What change was made for the third attempt? Bomber Jacket? Off.
Going into his third attempt, the F-15 was riding topless, as if it were in The Pit of the Daytona 500. Never personally been to the Daytona 500, but I feel like the stories I hear all mention seeing a middle-aged woman’s breasts.
“To kill a dictator, you have to think like a dictator,” said The Ghost of Manhattan through a smirk.
The Ghost of Manhattan then, while saving the country from Putin and his Russian fighter jets, also made a great point that former 2022 NBA Playoff Member, Kyrie Irving, wouldn’t have liked. This is due to Mr. Irving’s beliefs that the Earth is flat.
While making points that were anti-flat earth, the unfortunate happened.
Hydraulics failure.
0/4.
“I can’t believe OJ killed me. Well, actually yes, I can,” said The Ghost, as he set flight for the fifth flight.
The top made it down this time, so the fifth flight already had more promise than the ones prior.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to relate to a funny joke The Ghost made as he lifted off, as it was, and I quote, “Just fighter pilot stuff.” As a non-fighter pilot myself, I just had to exclude myself from the situation. It was tough, but it was fair.
The Ghost begged to be told if he was in range to fire off a missile, but told he was not.
This mission, time and time again, resulted in the words no ghost of Manhattan would ever like to hear: “Hydraulics failure.”
0.5/5 (killed OJ, so The Ghost gets 0.5 points).
That said, at least The Ghost killed OJ. Progress was made, though the mission remained incomplete.
Putin was still alive, and the fans of hockey can't watch him play at 0.25x speed on television anymore. That was tough for everyone, and we simply just don’t need it. The Ghost needs to rid this man of our hockey-viewing pleasure.
The sixth takeoff was smooth. Evasive maneuvers were being executed, shaft flares were being shot (?), but out of absolute nowhere … "Hydraulics Failure."
0.5/6.
Another sabotage by the short, Russian man. No, I didn’t put clarification because The Ghost of Manhattan also happens to be not freakishly tall. He's average height from what I've seen.
The new theory: The Ghost of Manhattan had a mole.
There were no missiles that hit the F-15, yet the plane still blew up. Hmm, weird, right?
After a vicious climb and the sounds of many buttons being mashed, The Ghost locked on to one of the targets.
“I think I just have to fly better,” said The Ghost.
Shooting shaft and flares like they were hot cakes (not sure if that plays tbh), The Ghost was in one of the longest flights of the night. Things were looking decent for The Ghost and his mission against Russia.
With Wentz-like accuracy outside of October, the first missile from Russia missed The Ghost. And as if he were Carson Wentz in 73-degree weather, The Ghost's missile HIT!
But, after an incredible fight with missiles back and forth, The Ghost found himself coming up just short, even after turning D.K. Metcalf into a scrambled egg.
Hydraulics failure.
1.5/7 (killed everyone but Putin, that’s worth a point).
“Go back to putting the Ukraine flag in your bio, I’m actually doing something about it,” said a flustered Ghost of Manhattan.
The chat was seemingly getting to The Ghost a little, and a moment of passion crept out the lips of The Ghost, flustered after seven failures.
Killing all four of Putin’s men– D.K. Metcalf, Evgeni Malkin, Sergei Bobrovsky, and O.J. Simpson– Putin still flew his flight missile-free.
The Ghost started his next flight a bit rushed. And after a rushed start, the plane blew up.
Hydraulics Failure.
1.5/8.
Sabotage again? Potentially.
The Ghost flew to the chat to find out what the matter was. @vitaminc81 brought up the possibility that, and I quote, “Putin munched your box.”
Not sure if that’d cause for an engine failure, but who’s to say?
This takeoff went much better. Everything was going well, and the case of the blowing up plane seemed to no longer be an issue for The Ghost of Manhattan.
A nice tidbit that The Ghost dropped on all of us casuals is that, beyond popular belief, flying a plane with the wheels down does NOT help unless landing. Good to know!
However, at the time of learning that tidbit, the result remained the same: Hydraulics Failure.
Even with O.J. dead again, Putin remained alive, well, and still super short.
Once again, The Ghost looked to the chat for guidance. Not much besides a possible poopy stinks spotting resulted.
The wheels were up, and the plane was in the sky.
Something rarely brought up during The Ghost's fighting was how great the scenery was. The greenery and forgery of this area was beautiful, and it’s a shame that this land could be potentially impacted by the planes of D.K. Metcalf, Evgeni Malkin, O.J. Simpson, Sergei Bobrovsky, and the man himself, The Ghost of Manhattan.
“I think it might’ve missed,” The Ghost of Manhattan exclaimed. “It didn’t miss,” The Ghost followed up with, merely half a second later.
Hydraulics Failure.
1.5/9.
Things weren’t looking great for The Ghost of Manhattan, plain and simple.
“Alright, talk to me, goose,” said The Ghost of Manhattan to his chat, with a hint of desperation in his voice.
In a brainstorming mission before the tenth flight, The Ghost of Manhattan realized maybe he could dump off a few missiles from his plane to become lighter and more agile.
“Rally ZYN,” The Ghost of Manhattan said as he reached for a pouch, or two.
It was time that The Ghost got rid of Putin. This town aint big enough for the two of them, and The Ghost of Manhattan was ready to prove it.
In a plane that is “loaded to the teeth,” The Ghost was being cautious not to overwork the plane. The Ghost was letting off missiles left and right.
After ducking two missiles, the third missile turned The Ghost of Manhattan into the ghost of The Ghost of Manhattan. Tough look, really. That run was looking good. With three kills, The Ghost was lowkey/highkey killing it.
Even with The Ghost lowkey/highkey going off, his fate was a common one: Hydraulics Failure.
2.5/10 after getting three kills.
New Strategy: Get out over the water.
The thought behind this strategy was that radars wouldn’t be able to track as well if over water, as opposed to being over land.
Okay, actually, chat said water made it easier.
New, New Strategy: Use the mountains to distract the Russians.
“If it’s easy for me to see them, it’s probably easy for them to see me,” said The Ghost with confidence.
As The Ghost navigated through the dips of mountains, he begged to get AWAX communication. AWAX was kind of like the offensive coordinator of the mission.
What a successful run so far.
Forgoing the pawns of Putin, The Ghost looked to find Putin himself.
… Uhhhhh oh…
The Ghost found himself far, far away from Putin after his re-route.
“This might’ve been a bad strategy,” The Ghost muttered into his headset. “Where are they? Where are th–...”
2.5/11.
Though Russia was putting on quite the performance, The Ghost stayed consistent in his fight against them.
With a takeoff as textbook as textbook comes, The Ghost hit the skies for yet another go at downing Putin and his gang of Russian/American athletes.
Sending a Fox 3 missile like a Josh Allen pass from the cannon that is his arm, it’s a hit. And like the very quotable DJ Khaled has said many times, “Anotha one.”
“Give me this kill!” x15.
Miss.
Don’t matter. Send another.
“Where’s that bitch? Feed me that … thirsty bitch,” said The Ghost after defeating the gang of Putin’s men.
The Ghost trailed Putin, like D.K. Metcalf trailed Budda Baker after that one viral interception.
“I’m going to come right up his butthole!” (I remember hearing this and making sure to quote it)
And The Ghost of Manhattan takes down Putin! That one’s for you, Ukraine. Down goes Putin, after The Ghost of Manhattan hit him with a swift one-two.
The chat erupted into a "USA!" chant.
"USA! USA! USA!"
Now came a potentially even tougher mission than killing *virtual* Vladimir Putin and his army of fighter planes: Landing the plane.
Though The Ghost put up quite a fight in the dogfight against Russia, it was all for naught if his landing were to be a failure.
In an effort to lighten the load of his plane, The Ghost shot multiple missiles into the vicinity of a few villages. Nothing was reported, and The Ghost was on record for not thinking there was a village in its trajectory. So, that’s actually pretty good. It was sparsely populated, so if anything came from it, some mountain people would have a cool story to tell at home school.
One of the most remarkable acts of heroism The Ghost performed was flying in front of the University of Iowa’s Children Hospital twice, somehow also in/near Russia, while tipping a wing to the kids fighting for their life.
“How many podcasters have killed Putin?” asked the ego-high Ghost of Manhattan.
The Ghost of Manhattan brings up a great point, though. While The Ghost’s civilian character– also known as PFT Commenter– is a podcaster by day, his heroic actions performed the night of May 4, 2022, were that of a true super hero.
The Ghost of Manhattan basically landed fine– even though he didn’t actually– but at the end of the day, who else is dead? Putin.
What a hero, what a fight, and, as Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons sang in 1963, "Ooh-- what a night!"
Thank you to The Ghost of Manhattan. Those that fear Putin can now go to sleep at night knowing their skies aren’t being scoured by a short, little, puny Russian monster.
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